Failure is only the opportunity to more intelligently begin again.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
How do fish travel to work?
In a carp pool
Why couldn't the fans get soda pop at the double-header?
Because the home team lost the opener
The wooden car with wooden wheels and a wooden engine wooden go.
"Waiter, you're not fit to serve a pig!"
"I'm doing my best, sir."
When he got his laundry bill, he felt he had been taken to the cleaners.
When the cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing and the lawn mower is broken.
Why didn't the frog sit on the toad stool?
There wasn't mushroom
How do you cut a wave?
With a sea saw.
Why did the girl put sugar in her pillow?
So she would have sweet dreams.
Why did the two outraged crows seem to make such a big fuss over nothing?
They both had just caws
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
Where did the first corn come from?
The stalk brought it
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
What looks like half an apple?
The other half
I'm glad Twitter has a character limit of 140 instead of 144. That would be gross.
Small surfers ride micro waves.
If you pay 25 cents to watch a bad football game, don't expect your quarter back.
I'm reading a murder mystery where they bury this guy in cornstarch. I'm just getting to the part where the plot thickens.
Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week.